Tonight, I sit here in front of my trusty old HP laptop for the very last time. It's finally going to be replaced by a newer model, and will make the final journey down the basement steps to join its predecessors in the Retired Computer Graveyard. I have to admit that, even though I've grown to despise this wheezing, noisy son of a bitch, I can still taste a hint of bittersweet nostalgia on my tongue. This godawful rum and tonic concoction can't seem to wash it away. I should be nothing but one hundred percent glad at this point, but I'm kind of not - in fact, I should have already swapped this thing out, like, yesterday, but I wasn't quite ready to do it. Not just yet. I had to pull my creaky little office chair up to the keyboard one last time and type out a eulogy.

Here's to you, ancient HP laptop with the missing battery. Here's to both of us.