Merry Christmas To All, And To All a Good Fright!

Happy Holidays!


Did everyone spend themselves stupid? Not yet? Don't worry, New Year's Eve is coming. That'll finish the job on your bank account, rest assured.

In the meantime, my book 99 Brief Scenes From the End of the World will be available for one measly buck until January 1st. Buy that shit, yo.

I'm going to be a busy, busy little horror writer in the next few months or so - I have projects that are angrily jostling for position to be next. I can't wait to share them with you all.

I will now present to you my new holiday classic, "The Krampus Came Instead". I hope that you all have a safe, relaxing and gift-laden holiday season.

The Krampus Came Instead



Santa didn't come to see us last night

The Krampus came instead

He came down the chimney with a burlap sack

And stole us all from our beds

Now, the Krampus is a horrid sight

A sight that cannot be unseen

He's short and squat and hairy and fat

A foul and devilish fiend

The Krampus lives in a dank old cave

Full of bats, pale toads and rats

The floor is littered with pajamas and bones

And the carpets are made out of cats

As Santa rides upon his sleigh

On a cold and crisp Christmas eve

The Krampus rides a rotting mule

And punishes all your bad deeds

He leaves no gifts behind in his wake

He feels no love in his heart

His teeth are sharp and his eyes are red

And his claws will tear you apart

Santa eats cookies and sugar-plum pie

A man eats meat, cheese and bread

But the Krampus feasts on naughty children

And uses their skins for his bed

And their souls he keeps all for himself

He keeps them locked up in a box

And what happens to them? Nobody knows

Maybe he wears them as socks!

Santa didn't come to see us last night

The Krampus came instead

To bite us and beat us, kick us and bleed us

And then he chopped off our heads!

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