Love is Like a Rose, or Some Shit Like That

It's fragrant, but it's pointy!

I'm fortunate in that, when I was in my early thirties, I actually met an all-around great girl. She's intelligent, caring, sexy, and creates great pop-art-style paintings. I live in a small/mid-sized Canadian town full of haggard skanks; I moved here through an unlikely series of events about eight years ago, and had pretty much lost hope on finding a girl who wasn't stepping out on her boyfriend or husband (seriously, almost every girl I dated in the first couple of years that I lived in this shitty town was out slutting behind her SO's back). So, after much frustration and annoyance, I finally found her - LOL - on a cheesy online dating site.

We squabble a lot, but it's because we're kinda poor these days. If we were rich, we'd never squabble (we'd still wrestle, though, damn straight). When we're not too tired for sexy times, the whoopie is incredible. She reluctantly makes me dinner, and I reluctantly drive her places. It's the best relationship I've ever had.

Most of my romantic relations in the past have been a mess. Constant fighting, cheating, domestic disturbances ... all that white-trash shit, man, all of it. Relationships can be absolute poison. Here's a short little tale of a romance that has gone wildly south ... 


The stage was set for his final vengeance; Eddie called Mel and told her that he was going to do it, that her coldness and infidelity had finally driven him to suicide. He told her that he believed her only reason for existence was to destroy his spirit, and that she had succeeded.

"Wait!" she gasped, her voice urgent, "please ... let me come see you before you do anything rash!" Eddie hung up on her and, while he waited, he readied the noose. When Mel came strutting in through the front door, Eddie was balanced on a stool, the rope already tight around his neck. He grinned at her, a crazed sickle of longing soured to madness.

Not breaking her fast, leggy pace, the vulpine succubus glided across the living room and kicked the stool out from beneath Eddie's feet. He squawked and fell to the end of the rope with a muffled snap, his eyes bulging at her in disbelief. The thing jumped onto him and clung like a mantis, staring into his distorted face raptly ... feeding ...


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